Yo, guys, it’s your old pal Joey Merrick and it’s time for my riff on the current state of gaming culture. If you notice anything awesome about today’s post, it’s the fact that I just got blue blockers (finally found some that fit my head)—I took that picture as soon as I got home and filtered it with some sweet photoshop effects—I’m like Che Guevara, but for the gamers (and sexier too, lol)
I’d like to thank admin “Fancier Dan” for lettin’ me post on his account, considering the fact that none of the other admins will let me have an account (I know, WTF, man. Whatev.)
Let’s see if we can break things down, shall we?
Let's see who will get the coveted "THUMBS UP"
First review, dudes:
HEAVY RAIN
Let’s see, plot: blah blah blah, some guy’s a killer or some shit, blah, blah, more talking, naked chick, some more shit, etc… Yeah, one of those was pretty awesome (I’m talkin’ about that sweet ass cut scene with a fine female—sadly, design is lacking, should have went with a DOA: Beach Volleyball design, you know what I’m talkin’ about!), but other than that short brilliance the rest is BORING! It tries to be all psychological and shit, but if I wanted any of that I’d steal my Mom’s prescriptions out of her purse and head over to the Duane Reade.
There’s a mini game where you have to take care of a baby. WTF? If I wanted that I’d go over to my Aunt’s and babysit the cousins (not doing that, bitches). That, my friends, is a capital B to the OGUS. Bogus.
I only got half way through the game (hell, I don’t even know) when I threw down my game controller and had enough of this shit. I took that M.F.er back to the Blockbuster faster than you can say, “the Wii controller sucks ass-balls” (I swear, I’m keepin’ that Blockbuster alive with all my game rentals, lol).
These game designers (Quantum Dream, obviously) need to get their act together—thank Jeebus (Simspons, lol) I still got my ever-lovin copies of Halo: Reach and CoD (that’s “Call of Duty” for you noobs). You want drama? Load those discs in, bitches. I’ll show you drama.
I give it:
NO THUMBS UP.
NEXT:
METROID: Other M
Fun play, at least it had real shooting unlike that gag-fest I reviewed above. You shoot some aliens and shit, don’t remember most of the plot—I was playin’ it at my Mom’s house at like 3 in the morning so I put the TV on mute, put earbuds in and listened to some badass Muse.
You shoot things, they explode. What else can a gamer ask for? This almost makes you forget how sucky the Wii controller is (super sucky).
Super mega bonus: We get to see Samus without her armor suit on more. Super hot, needs more boobage, but I take what I can get. Her armor even comes off when she takes more damage (definition of wicked, man!!!). I remember back on Super Smash for the N64 I would pause that shit every time Samus got a thunder bolt from Pikachu (naked pixels ftw!!!1). I’m still looking for the nude patch for this sucker. A friend on a message board told me one would be released soon, so I’m holdin’ on. Can’t wait.
Couldn’t finish the game though, dudes. Right arm started cramping up from the pressure, then I got the ol’ seizures again. Mom had to rush me to the hospital. Dr. Treves gets super pissed when I play games, says it doesn’t comply with my bone structure. Eff him. Gamer till I die, WOOT WOOT!
I give Metroid: Other M:
FOUR THUMBS UP.
X 4!
——GAMING NEWS, BROS:
MARVEL VS. CAPCOM: Fate of Two Worlds looks so hella sweet—the definition of sweetness (“Fate of Two Worlds = FTW, lmao). Best part looks to be the inclusion of Deadpool, who IS the best Marvel character of all time. He’s awesome because he’s funny but he’s also willing to blow your head away. CHIK-CHIK BOOM! He could kick Captain America’s and Spider-man’s ass if he really want to—and let’s just say my shelf is packed with Deadpool trade paperbacks—game should be called DEADPOOL: FTW. Let’s just say I can relate to the dude: He’s a badass and he’s got a scarred up face underneath his mask (lol).
Hope a nude patch for Chun Li shows up.
—
That butt-face Roger Ebert still sayin’ shit about videogames? He just doesn’t get us, man. Games are life—life is art.
Damn, I got poetic there for a sec (no homo, lol).
Old man Ebert is just like my Mom and Dr. Fred Treves. They’re always ragging on me about my gaming, and I’m sick of it. Josh from down the street says that over the summer he’s gonna road trip with his bros to LA for some big skating tourney, thought I could tag along, hang out in the promised land for a while, get picked up as a game tester, then hit it big! So long, Mom and Dr. Treves. I’ll be in the big time! (don’t tell my Mom, lol)
Well, that about wraps up my game-talk. I’ll get back to you guys as soon as I can. Mom’s yelling at me, need to wash some crevices before she takes me out to her church group brunch down at the Applebee’s. She better have cleaned my burlap sack, hate when it itches. Shit, this is gonna blow. She HAS to let me play CoD after this.
JOEY M. OUT!
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