EMMA STONE CHANGES HAIR!

Great Scott, comic fans!

Or as the infamous web-crawler exclaims himself, “Holy Toledo, my spider-burrito™!”

New pictures have surfaced from some premiere thing of the one and only Emma Stone with her hair bleached back to her original color for her role as Gwen Stacy in the reboot of the spectacular Spider-man franchise, that unholy, jaw-dropping creation of comic-makers Stan Li and Bill Finger! That was a mouthful!

The internet is a buzz! Look at this girl! She has blonde hair!

It’s a marvelous time to be alive, spider-fans! Imagine all those children reading the Spider-man comics back in 1928, when the character was first created, they’ll never get to see Emma Stone’s hair color! They’re dead!

One comment I heard while “trolling” the web was that Emma Stone looks as smooth and clean-cut as a Jack Kirby drawing, and I have to say, the resemblance is uncanny!

But with this cavalcade of historic comic-book news, a new set of photos have been released of the other cast members of this Spider-man reboot-phenomenon with their new hairstyles! And I have the scoop right here first! It is unbelievable!

ANDREW GARFIELD

Young and hip, fresh off the set of Justin Timberlake’s Social-Network, Andy, as his friends call him, is stylin’ a whole new hairdo, straight outta the comics! I can hear the ghost of creator Stan Li now! He’s saying, “Help me! For the love of God help me out of this box! Oh, boo hoo!”

RHYS IFANS

We have a new super villain on our hands, and with a new super villain we’re gonna need a new haircut! Our skippy foreign gentlemen, fresh off the set of some film I never heard of is up to bat to bring new life to the classic Spider-man villain, the Riddler! Hoo-ha! Riddle me that!

SALLY FIELDS

Look at these cookies. You’re staring at the new Aunt May, Peter Parker’s caretaker and moral-nuisance. Can she show Spider-man that responsibility can truly make a difference to those inner city youths and win the league championships? I don’t know. I don’t know who this character is, I don’t know. Can’t wait to see this fresh face on billboards though!

SPIDER-MAN

Hey, look! Spider-man is getting in on the action! What a rascal! Originality!

MOLEMAN

Back on the scene and ready to cause trouble! What’s Moleman’s role! I don’t know. I honestly don’t know… Oh, Christ, oh, God… Jesus, help me…

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Hey! You get out of here! You had your shot! And you blew it! You lost everything that night in Vegas! What? You didn’t know I was there? Of course I was there, in the shadows, martini in hand, camcorder in the other! I saw everything! And it’s all on tape! I’ll ruin you! I’LL RUIN ALL OF YOU!

And now, Ladies and gentlemen, the Lizard pictorial spread:

MERRY HOLIDAYS.

--fancier dan

CBL Christmas, continued

More Christmas songs, CBL-ified! As you can tell, I'm studying really hard for finals >_<.

Spider Bells

City sidewalks, busy sidewalks

Dressed in holiday style

In the air there’s a feeling of Christmas

But villains laughing, bad guys passing

Evil smile after smile

But on ev’ry street corner you’ll see

Spider-man, Spider-man

Friendly neighborhood superhero

Swinging here, swinging there

Soon it’ll be safe Christmas Day.

Strings of cobwebs

Make ‘em stop dead

No more crime on the streets

Sorry, Doc Ock

And Kingpin and Hammerhead

Goblin’s vanquished

Lizard’s been squished

Sandman’s been swept away

And above all this bustle

You’ll see

Spider-man, Spider-man

It’s Christmas time in the city

Swinging here, swinging there

He's made it safe Christmas Day.

Watchmen Night

The Comedian dies one quiet night

Rorschach creeps, he’s a fright

No one believes his theory

Even his friends are weary

They say the Watchmen are done

They say the Watchmen are done

Silent night, holy night

All is calm, all is bright

Then, a building fire starts

Nite Owl and Silk Spectre race to their parts

They’ll go to save the people

They’ll go to save the peace

Silent night, holy night

Dr. Manhattan shows his might

Once Laurie leaves him, he feels out of place

He flees humanity for outer space

She has to beg him to save Earth

She has to make him return.

Silent night, holy night

The Watchmen discover the end is nigh

Ozymandias planned genocide

Blaming Jon and making him hide

All in the name of peace

All in the name of peace

Silent night, holy night

Rorshach thinks this can’t be right

He wants to tell the world the real truth

But everyone knows that’d end in bad news

So Dr. Manhattan must kill him.

And so his story ends.

Sorry I can't sing (Silent Night, on hindsight, is really freaking high haha). Anyway, hope you guys feel like coming up with some of your own! CBL Christmas Album, anyone? Sure beats Mariah Carey.

CBL Christmas!

Happy holidays everyone! In the spirit of the season, Melodie and I decided to make up our own lyrics for popular Christmas songs...

12 Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas the CBL gave to me...
1) Taimur dancing naked and free
2) dirty drawings
3) tawdry jokes
4) Eitan slappings
5) Green Lantern rings
6) meeting minutes
7) rooftop parties
8) threats of burning
9) whales in wheelchairs
10) creepy 'staches
11) Southern scoldings
12) post-club outings

and you have this lovely video of us singing it for you so you can sing along! (we posted it before we could become horribly mortified at our voices/appearances/oh my god it is late) soooo... enjoy!



The Christmas Song

Will’s pals drinking by an open fire

Wendy Xu whipping naughty bros

Yuletide carols being sung by Taimur

And Dan mocking the Marvel hoes

Ev’rybody knows Jack Daniels and some mistletoe

Help keep Courtney’s spirits bright

Andrew & Mel with their eyes all aglow

Will keep Wendy from sleeping tonight

They know the publication’s on its way

Mike’s put in lots of hours every day

And at a Jersey desk, a reporter writes

“Oh, how I wish the CBL was here tonight!”

And so we’re offering you this silly tune

To kids, to whales, to were-cats too

Since winter break is upon us so soon

Merry Christmas

A Comic Book League Christmas

Merry Christmas to you.

Happy holidays, ladies and gents!

I created a D&D character...

I, a gentleman of the world as I see it, have never played Dungeons & Dragons. Recently I was asked to take part in such a game, that at first seemed admirable but then escalated to a responsibility of out of control inbox-proportions.

I, myself still a gentleman, take very few things seriously. But as I continued to receive messages about scheduling conflicts, where to play, and excessive character background before a single session transpired, I decided to take a stand—if I were to take one thing to my icy heart, it would be my D&D (Dungeons and Dragons Roleplaying Quest-game Recreation) character. What started out as a light fiction grew into a work that excelled past three in the morning.

I actually sent the following to the group's facebook message inbox. I mean every word of it.

here's my character:

Name—Brigan Madrok, son of Crogteeth the Maleficent
Race—half-man, half-elf, part-box turtle—ALL COP.
Class—fishmonger
Mood—smarmy, counts on weather
Alignment—straight

Born from the womb of an unknown woman-creature, Madrok was cast unto the wilderness once the doctor removed said baby from the womb—he was disgusted, he threw said baby into the hypodermic needle bin, then discarded said hypodermic needles into a bush just yonder his office building complex by the highway, next to Ye Olde Days Inn. As just a babe and his uncut umbilical cord, he was alienated from civilization, facing prejudiced and indifferent looks at every visit of the local peasant IHOP. Madrok walked the pathways and forded many rivers, dragging his umbilical cord along with him. Once ambushed by a posse of bandits and held at knifepoint, to distract such treacherous fiends, Madrok took hold of his bodily cord and blew into it, surprised to hear angelic noises flow outwards like that of the gentlest flute or similar brass instrument. He himself, as stated before, still a babe at four months, astounded the bandits, and they fled off into the deepest part of the woods, never to be seen again; except for Frik Johnson, the lumber mill master’s boy who traveled back to his parent’s cottage to re-evaluate himself—once at home he questioned the path he had chosen, was able to get an apprenticeship at his father’s mill and developed a strong work ethic—while at a lunch break at Ye Olde Applebee’s with his fellow co-workers several weeks following his hiring, his hardened eyes laid upon the server who brought him his mozzarella sticks, never had he met such a beauty before—their relationship staggered at first, but it soon blossomed into something beautiful, they took walks along the brook, danced together at the squire’s under-the-sea themed ball/wine mixer, and experienced each other’s flesh for the first time under the moonlight of an August sky in the backseat of a Volvo—when the test was positive, they were shocked, “Should we keep it?” asked Frik, “Nothing would make me happier to see you as the father of our child,” said Salinthor the waitress, they embraced as Frik said, “Never let me go, never let me go,” a tear rolled down his young face—the wedding was fit for a lumber miller’s son, and that’s just what it really was, and a boy named Frik Jr. followed months afterward, and then a daughter, and then two more sons after that—Frik’s and Salinthor’s wages eventually were able to sustain the family’s upkeep, they purchased a cottage near the brook they took walks along, near a beautiful flower patch full of flowers that expressed every trim of the rainbow—“I want to be a knight, daddy!” Junior once chimed in, putting a worried expression on Frik’s face while reading the paper one Saturday morning, he looked to his spouse and she only smiled, “Lucharen wants to be an alchemist, wanting to be a knight is not much different,” she soothed, and the next morning Junior found a bundled-up package of shiny, armor lying on his bed—“I’m sorry to report this to you Mr. and Mrs. Johnson,” said the solemn squire holding up Junior’s no longer shining armor as he handed it to the parents with their kingdom’s flag draped over it, “His sacrifice was for the good of the king, and all his people,” but this didn’t stop the two parents from weeping—old age came, and with it more diseases that little control existed for, as Salinthor’s legs became weaker and weaker, much like her father’s did before her, and as the wrinkles increased, her ability to walk didn’t—“Take me to the flower patch,” she asked her husband, he did this, he lowered her down to the earth and she sighed, “the children all grew up and left us, now it is only us, but not for long,” Frik grasped her hands longingly and spoke, “If we only live one life, then a life with you is worth all the flowers on every flower patch in all the land,” a tear rolled down her withered cheek, they expressed their love for one another, and she sunk her head slowly into his lap for the last time—Frik lived for only a week more once Salinthor was gone, there was nothing left for him but to join his loved one beyond the stars.
So from that day onward, Madrok swung his umbilical cord to-and-fro, defending himself from all attacks, and playing the cord like Pan played his flute to enchant woodland creatures and randy nymphs. Following this, he received a rash around his umbilical cord from dragging it across the ground, which developed into an infection; which soon appeared to be a nasty bout of the plague. He died soon afterward. He was four and a half months old. THE END.


And thus ends the greatest story every told.

Here is a bonus, thanks to Everything is Terrible, accurately titled Defenestration the Movie:

DEFENESTRATION THE MOVIE from Everything Is Terrible! on Vimeo.

fancier dan, out.

CBL Movie/Event Review: Rifftrax LIVE! House on Haunted Hill

After the incredible bummer that was the previous week's meeting (I won't go into it) and the fact that Halloween was no more than a few mere days away, I was definitely excited to go see Rifftrax LIVE! House on Haunted Hill. I had seen a trailer for the event before "Let Me In" earlier that month and I knew that the combination of MST3K-styled riffing and one of my favorite childhood horror movies (kids have those, right?) was something not to be missed. Rifftrax, for those of you unfamiliar, is a group consisting of the former stars of the excellent cult-classic television series "Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, & Bill Corbett). They're riffing, except that they aren't limited to cheesy sci-fi and horror B-movies anymore. No, they also do commentaries for next generation of cheesy sci-fi and horror B-movies, like "Transformers" movies and "Clash of the Titans", in addition to a treasure trove of awfully weird film shorts and public service films.

This was as the title implies a live riff session simultaneously broadcast to theaters across the country. They've done these live events in the past, for such cult-classic staples as "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians", "Plan 9 from Outer Space", and "Reefer Madness". In addition to the main features, they include a number of different shorts, which are loosely connected to the "theme", if you will, of the event.

We got a fanciness-hating grocery witch and a demonic, talking paper bag. Spooky? Maybe. Disturbing? You betcha. Before the show started, though, they projected some "Rifftrax Facts", a series of jokes parodying those awful movie facts (Do I really care which Hollywood leading man has a law degree? No...but just so y'know, it's Gerard Butler), set to the groovy sounds of their Rifftones songs.

The first short, "Magical Disappearing Money" (or the billion dollar stimulus package) was a full-on 70's piece, complete with mutton chop bears and garish wardrobes. It features a penny-pinching witch hanging around a grocery store and trying to get people to consider "smart" inexpensive alternatives to their "fancy" food choices, which translates to shopping as if you were living during war-time rationing. The crew had great riffs for this one, including some great demonic voices for the grocery witch and a funny, but obvious Christine O'Donnell crack. I felt right at home and any doubts I had about the guys' riffing abilities post-MST3K were put to rest.

Then, comedian Paul F. Tompkins came out and did a couple of minutes of stand-up about the standard"monster popping up in the bathroom mirror" scare in horror movies. Good stuff, but I really liked how he lampooned the same lame response actors give interviewers about horror movies ("I did this movie because I think we all like to be scared") -it's a pet peeve of mine. Anyway, the next short, entitled "Paper & I" was hilarious, though, not so much for the riffs (there was a great Ents reference from Tompkins and a joke about a young David Lynch). The reason why it worked well was because it was so damned absurd and disturbing. Essentially, a kid is talked to by a paper bag with a cartoon face who flies him to the South, in the middle of the night, to show him how paper is made and tell him in excruciating detail about the paper production process. Things got really weird when it became clear that the bag was dying and so, to teach everyone a lesson about how important paper is, the bag makes all the paper/paper products in the world disappear. In the end, the kid, Willy, blows up the bag and pops him. I really hope that they post this one online soon because my description hardly does the creepiness of the talking paper bag any justice.

Finally, the main feature began and well, it was pretty damned good. The movie didn't stand up as well as I remembered it as a kid, but then again, I didn't really expect it to. Actually, seeing it again after so many years reminded me that as a kid, I could see the overall narrative problems of pacing and structure, though I probably didn't use those terms (Maybe I did. I don't know; I could tell the movie started to get boring). It lacked towards the end, with certain repetitive jokes getting to be just that: repetitive and stale, but that's because the movie itself starts to suffer from the fact that people spend far too long going in and out of rooms and talking. When the action does pick up, say, with a skeleton marionette, the "good stuff" shows back up again. Highlights included drunk Frank Lloyd, Vincent Price uttering the line "It's close to midnight..." and the subsequent brief, a cappella breakdown of "Thriller", "Seditives", and an extended "LLLLLadies" from the hero/pervert of the film. My personal favorites were the quick, little jokes that come with a quick cut, like "David Bowie" when it cut between characters, or "I'm all set for the first 2 days of Hanukkah-YES!".

All in all, it was a very fun experience. I laughed. I laughed hard. To be honest, I haven't laughed like that in a good while. It brought me right back to those Saturday mornings watching "The Screaming Skull" or "Prince of Space" on "Mystery Science Theater 3000" on the Sci-Fi Channel (not SyFy, ya god-damned green bastards). My face was sore and I was happy. All the stress of midterms, papers, and dealing with "artists" (if you know what I mean and I think you do) disappeared -and it was a great way to kick off the Halloween weekend. In the end, I'm glad that I decided to make the extra effort to go see Rifftrax LIVE! and I'm glad that the rest of The Comic Book League decided to join me because we definitely all had a great time.

That's why I'm giving Rifftrax LIVE! House on Haunted Hill 4 stars. I'd tell you to check it out, but it was a live event, so you can't. You can however go to the Rifftrax website and purchase the riff commentary for the film, as well as the short "Magical Disappearing Money". It was available for free download along with the other "digital goodies", but alas, I never did and now its gone because they're selling it. Besides, if I did and posted it here, it would probably get taken down, like the Youtube version. I'd also suggest you think about going to the next Rifftrax LIVE! event -I guarantee that you'll have an excellent time.

Night of the Living Fanboy or 2 Minutes to 10:30 (10/21/10)

7:05 -Violent outbreak in The CBL? Zombie virus!

7:06 -Kick-Ass 616 according to Selecthumor and Andrew

7:12 -A CBL Christmas Carol

7:16 -When's a great time to jump into Spider-man? This November -BIG TIME!

7:17 -Geoff Johns' letters printed in the back of old DC Comics is proof that all of your fanboy story ideas can come true

7:19 -Tom Bosley is dead...Tom Bosley is DEAD!

7:20 -"Shoot Henry Winkler"

7:22 -"Kraft Macaroni & Cheese" -Taimur wins the meeting

7:24 -Billy Joel biopic starring Michael Keaton

7:27 -Selecthumor Sez: The zombie outbreak will most likely come from Boston

7:29 -Daniel Craig T. Nelson

7:30 -"What's Wonder Woman up to these days?"
"She's mostly wearing jackets"

7:31 -Statler and Waldorf are racist...



7:37 -Neon-Gene one-shot

7:39 -"I'm tripping on Benadryl!" -Will

7:40 -Dan goes into action like Spider-man...trips over chair

7:44 -Reverend Andre the Giant 3000

7:46 -Gimme Pizza Slow




7:46 -Paula Dean makes a Luther in slow motion




7:53 -Cinemassacre Monster Madness 2010: Infra-Man (1975)...BOOM!



Then, some awkward things happened and I wanted everything to go BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOOMMM!

Joey's GAMER CHAT & REVIEWS: Heavy Rain and Metroid: Other M

Yo, guys, it’s your old pal Joey Merrick and it’s time for my riff on the current state of gaming culture. If you notice anything awesome about today’s post, it’s the fact that I just got blue blockers (finally found some that fit my head)—I took that picture as soon as I got home and filtered it with some sweet photoshop effects—I’m like Che Guevara, but for the gamers (and sexier too, lol)

I’d like to thank admin “Fancier Dan” for lettin’ me post on his account, considering the fact that none of the other admins will let me have an account (I know, WTF, man. Whatev.)

Let’s see if we can break things down, shall we?

Let's see who will get the coveted "THUMBS UP"

First review, dudes:

HEAVY RAIN

Let’s see, plot: blah blah blah, some guy’s a killer or some shit, blah, blah, more talking, naked chick, some more shit, etc… Yeah, one of those was pretty awesome (I’m talkin’ about that sweet ass cut scene with a fine female—sadly, design is lacking, should have went with a DOA: Beach Volleyball design, you know what I’m talkin’ about!), but other than that short brilliance the rest is BORING! It tries to be all psychological and shit, but if I wanted any of that I’d steal my Mom’s prescriptions out of her purse and head over to the Duane Reade.

There’s a mini game where you have to take care of a baby. WTF? If I wanted that I’d go over to my Aunt’s and babysit the cousins (not doing that, bitches). That, my friends, is a capital B to the OGUS. Bogus.

I only got half way through the game (hell, I don’t even know) when I threw down my game controller and had enough of this shit. I took that M.F.er back to the Blockbuster faster than you can say, “the Wii controller sucks ass-balls” (I swear, I’m keepin’ that Blockbuster alive with all my game rentals, lol).

These game designers (Quantum Dream, obviously) need to get their act together—thank Jeebus (Simspons, lol) I still got my ever-lovin copies of Halo: Reach and CoD (that’s “Call of Duty” for you noobs). You want drama? Load those discs in, bitches. I’ll show you drama.

I give it:

NO THUMBS UP.

NEXT:

METROID: Other M

Fun play, at least it had real shooting unlike that gag-fest I reviewed above. You shoot some aliens and shit, don’t remember most of the plot—I was playin’ it at my Mom’s house at like 3 in the morning so I put the TV on mute, put earbuds in and listened to some badass Muse.

You shoot things, they explode. What else can a gamer ask for? This almost makes you forget how sucky the Wii controller is (super sucky).

Super mega bonus: We get to see Samus without her armor suit on more. Super hot, needs more boobage, but I take what I can get. Her armor even comes off when she takes more damage (definition of wicked, man!!!). I remember back on Super Smash for the N64 I would pause that shit every time Samus got a thunder bolt from Pikachu (naked pixels ftw!!!1). I’m still looking for the nude patch for this sucker. A friend on a message board told me one would be released soon, so I’m holdin’ on. Can’t wait.

Couldn’t finish the game though, dudes. Right arm started cramping up from the pressure, then I got the ol’ seizures again. Mom had to rush me to the hospital. Dr. Treves gets super pissed when I play games, says it doesn’t comply with my bone structure. Eff him. Gamer till I die, WOOT WOOT!

I give Metroid: Other M:

FOUR THUMBS UP.

X 4!

——GAMING NEWS, BROS:

MARVEL VS. CAPCOM: Fate of Two Worlds looks so hella sweet—the definition of sweetness (“Fate of Two Worlds = FTW, lmao). Best part looks to be the inclusion of Deadpool, who IS the best Marvel character of all time. He’s awesome because he’s funny but he’s also willing to blow your head away. CHIK-CHIK BOOM! He could kick Captain America’s and Spider-man’s ass if he really want to—and let’s just say my shelf is packed with Deadpool trade paperbacks—game should be called DEADPOOL: FTW. Let’s just say I can relate to the dude: He’s a badass and he’s got a scarred up face underneath his mask (lol).

Hope a nude patch for Chun Li shows up.

—

That butt-face Roger Ebert still sayin’ shit about videogames? He just doesn’t get us, man. Games are life—life is art.

Damn, I got poetic there for a sec (no homo, lol).

Old man Ebert is just like my Mom and Dr. Fred Treves. They’re always ragging on me about my gaming, and I’m sick of it. Josh from down the street says that over the summer he’s gonna road trip with his bros to LA for some big skating tourney, thought I could tag along, hang out in the promised land for a while, get picked up as a game tester, then hit it big! So long, Mom and Dr. Treves. I’ll be in the big time! (don’t tell my Mom, lol)

Well, that about wraps up my game-talk. I’ll get back to you guys as soon as I can. Mom’s yelling at me, need to wash some crevices before she takes me out to her church group brunch down at the Applebee’s. She better have cleaned my burlap sack, hate when it itches. Shit, this is gonna blow. She HAS to let me play CoD after this.

JOEY M. OUT!